I recently watched Oprah Winfrey’s interview with Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, and was blown away by the courage it must have surely taken them both to speak up about what their lives have been like behind the ‘closed doors’ of a royal life. I have always admired Oprah Winfrey’s exceptional skills at getting to the truth in an interview while helping to display the true heart of those she interviews. Oprah is a delightful communicator. I also, sincerely adore, Meghan, certainly in her acting career, but also in the public moments of her royal life that I have occasionally watched and followed. Her genuineness is palatable. Those of us here in America, perhaps cannot fully relate to what living like royalty must actually be like, beyond the celebrities we hear and read about here in the United States. Seeing Prince Harry and Meghan speaking the truth about serious concerns like prejudice, bias, neglect, and mental health, help us to understand that these issues exist and effect every social-economic group, despite education, income, race, and social or community status.
It’s so sad to see that the very community in which they should have been supported and protected, essentially let them down, because of the very structure and substance of that establishment steeped in long tradition. It reminds me so much of what I see play out within families, and the women I work with daily, who are trying to speak up, stand up, and escape abusive relationships, dysfunctional families, and damaging non-supportive systems.
I help women in troubled marriages, improve their situations by sometimes leaving the very marriages that cannot be saved, and also, in some cases, saving those marriages that can be rebuilt. I was once in a very troubled marriage. My marriage crisis promoted the path toward change and recovery. I received my happy ending. But many marriages don’t improve and sometimes women must literally flee to keep their psychological, physical, and emotional health intact. Some are fleeing for their very lives.
It isn’t always easy to be involved in their process of recovery. However, the thing I admire most about the women I meet, even while their worlds are falling apart, is the courage it takes for them to take the most difficult step they will ever take, which is the first one, to admit to themselves, and to tell someone else the truth about what they have been living with, to speak up, and to reach out to try to find a way to stop the madness, oppression, abuse, and evil that they are trying to survive.
Getting away from the abuse and their abusers can be a very dangerous step. Many will try to deny the sufferers plight and silence them, especially their abusers. Some systems like religious ones, will often mistakenly shame them or blame them for what is happening even though it is not their fault, some will attack the victim for ‘rocking the boat’ or not ‘keeping the secret’ and mistreat them as well and therefore add to the abuse. The extent that they will go to achieve this ‘silence’, while sitting alongside the pain and suffering of the victim, is frightening, which only shows the rest of us, how evil it is for anyone to see harm being done to someone and refuse to help, to refuse to tell the truth because it may cost us something personally to do so, and how unloving and unkind it is to not help the oppressed and victimized. I can think of few things that are as un-Christian and un-loving as this.
Over and over again, the interview mentioned that “security” was being withdrawn and withheld, that ‘safety’ was a huge issue and now unreliable. I could hear the plea for ‘safety’ over and over again in the interview, along with the disillusionment and disappointment about a lack of support and genuine care and help that should be available ,wasn’t attainable or being offered, even when psychological and emotional dangers were obviously present in their situation.
To maintain the ‘facade’ that everything was okay, and to ‘protect the family image’, the protection, support, and help would not come from those who you expect should provide it. The failure and reasons for it are clear but seem unfathomable considering the resources available to the people and system that could have helped.
It is so similar, and familiar to what I see way too often, to women and children who need help leaving abusive homes. Often as they attempt to get real help, they, the victims, are treated as though they are the villain and are blamed for the abuse which has been happening to them for which they are not responsible for. The attention and blame shifts from the source of the abuse, the abuser, to the abused. Everyone mistakenly forgets there is an ‘abuser’ at large who is at fault and responsible. In this case, it was the system in which they lived.
For women in abusive marriages, or children in dysfunctional families. It is the spouse, or the family that is responsible for the abusive environment. It’s very difficult to get that person or family to ‘own’ the responsibility for the abuse. Denial, shame, image, status, community influence, and many other factors, trap the abused in a construct much like a prison that is difficult if not impossible to escape.
Sometimes all the help that is provided still isn’t enough for the woman to get away and stay away safely. Frequently, her getting away is only temporary, and occasionally, because of internal brokenness, and the very lack of support and help, she returns to the abuser and the abusive environment, sometimes by her own will, and sometimes, by a court order, or ill advised advice from a ‘naive helper’. Which causes those who watch her do this, to turn on her, and blame her for abuse that continues going forward, while compassion is needed to understand how much it truly shows just how deep the wounds go, how much psychological and emotional damage there is, and how strong the ties are to bind the abused to the abuse.
It was refreshing to see what a brave, young man, Prince Harry is and how much strength of character, it takes to speak out, and stand up, to care for, protect, and provide for his family under such costly personal and public circumstances in so many ways. What a true example of ‘courage in the face of fire’ he has displayed for us all. Meghan and Prince Harry, had the courage to speak the truth after years of the media having their say against her, against them. Perhaps chivalry isn’t dead after all.
I genuinely pray that their efforts to build a new life here in the United States is possible and providential and leads to a legacy of such courageous character, that will continue in the children they will raise. What a beautiful family they are. We should all be so fortunate.
I want to appeal to women who think their circumstances are too dire to address. Look to this example, find a way to get the help you need, admit you are living under oppression, and find the support that will help to secure your own physical,
psychological and emotional health. Don’t stay silent, speak up, find your voice, reach out for support and get to the sources of help you truly need. Do it today, plan for it tomorrow, and pray for the right helpers to come to your aide. You are worth it. You deserve more. Believe that. Everyone deserves love and safety. So do you.
Sincerely, Susan