I can’t say that after 27 years of marriage I have ever really asked myself this question, Why do Men Love Their Cars? Even though, the evidence of its truth has surrounded my relationship with my husband ever since we began dating in college. Recently, I read a great explanation about it, which I’ll share with you today.
The Following is an excerpt from the book Sacred Influence : How God Uses Wives to Shape the Souls of Their Husbands – by Gary Thomas If you only read one book this year, ladies, please read this one. Move it to the top of your reading list! I wish I had read this one when it was first published in 2006. It’s a golden treasure for sure.
Chapter 8 in the book discusses ‘understanding the male mind’, which makes me chuckle, because my husband always tells me, men are not very complicated, or hard to understand, but he believes women make men more complex than they really are, he often goes on to tell me, “we (men) are no where near as complicated as women!!!!! “ Yes, the exclamation points are necessary. He’s emphatic when he says it. Because I’m a woman, and I know how complex I am, I wholeheartedly agree with him. I think women are quite challenging, but, back to my point. Understanding men… here’s some things Gary Thomas points out.
Men Need Emotional Rest
I can hear women already asking me, ‘uh what does that mean?’ I was clueless too, until he further explained. Many men have a love relationship with their cars. I can see women rolling their eyes, yes, I know, I do it too. I have a husband and have raised two sons, so I can agree, they each of them love their car. I can’t say I understand why, or that I even care. However, I think women are puzzled by this, and ‘just don’t get it’. Not because we don’t have our own passions, or obsessions, or fascinations with things, but a car usually doesn’t impact a woman in a very deep emotional way. She’s not attached to it emotionally, like she is to her husband, or her children.
Sure, I like cars, especially sports cars, I can name a whole list that appeal to me, and I think they are ‘sexy’ especially if you put a handsome man in one, but I wouldn’t spend hours cleaning a car, washing and polishing a car, looking at accessories for my car, or devoting part of the overall family budget to making my car better than how it was when I bought it. So, I know this only proves the point, I just don’t get it. Why do men love their cars? I don’t know. My car doesn’t add much to my life, I love my car and care about it’s design and looks mostly because it holds and transports all the people I love, and gets me from point A to point B safely. (I own my current car, a Subaru Forester, because I drove it in tornado winds, and safely avoided, dropping trees, power lines, and flying debris. It wasn’t my car yet, I drove it while it was a loaner, and voila! I told the dealership to keep my car they was in for repair and maintenance, and asked them to let me keep this one. It kept us safe when our neighborhood was practically whisked away by torrential wind and rain. (My experience would have made a great Subaru commercial). That’s why I love my car, I felt safe, when I totally wasn’t very safe. However, My husband doesn’t love his truck for that reason, not even close.
Start a conversation, by mentioning cars, in a room full of men, and you can come back an hour later, and they are still discussing this same topic. Go figure? As time goes by, that discussion grows and becomes more lively, until, soon all the men are congregated together, talking about the cars they do own, the cars they once owned, the cars they want to own, and the cars they will never own but wish they did. We women, groan, and roll our eyes, because most of us cannot relate. What is going on with the discussion about cars? What’s so intriguing about them? Some men even name their cars, and yes, usually, their car has a woman’s name, anyway. What’s going on with all the car talk? Here’s Gary’s explanation.
Michael Gurian wrote a book about the male mind entitled (What could he be thinking) and he says, “There is a biological tendency for men to seek a set of care objects that allow for brain rest and the pleasure of independent relationship without the stimulation of emotional conversation. A car is, not surprisingly, an object of choice for many men.“
Gary Thomas goes on to explain this concept further…
”A car takes me where I want to to without asking me how I’m feeling. A car lets me yell at other drivers without saying, “Why are you so upset?’ A car lets me listen to the sports radio program without asking me what color I want to paint the kitchen. My car has never – not even once – asked me if something was wrong or uttered those four famous words, “We need to talk.” And my car is absolutely clear about its needs. I know if the gas tank is full, half empty, or almost completely empty. My car would never respond to my inquiry about how much gas remained in its tank with the words, “Guess,” or “You should know without me having to tell you.” In short, my car lets my brain rest. I have 15 percent less blood flow to my brain than (a woman’s) so my brain needs more rest than ‘yours does’. My car understands this. My car respects this. That’s why I love my car.”
As I read this, the first time, I burst out laughing, because I recognize how different women think than men, hearing a man explain this complex need in a practical way, finally explained for me, something I ‘see happen quite frequently in the men in my life’ but, I could never truly articulate what is really ‘going on there’. Well, this is it. Men need a break. Emotional conversations, especially a verbal barrage, overwhelm men. Their brain, a mans brain, flips into overload quickly. Men need emotional ‘down-time.’ Women don’t seem to need this as much. Women thrive on and need relational connection and conversation. Men, don’t, not so much. Talking, and more talking, even to resolve problems, doesn’t work well for men. All the talking and more talking is exhausting to them. But why? Women ask. Well, because. Men and Women are different. I’ll say it again. Men need emotional rest, women don’t.
But this difference, frustrate, women, news flash, it frustrates men too. Women experience this all the time, when trying to communicate with their man. It may show up in al kinds of body language and behavior in your man, like Irritation, grumbling, avoiding, stammering, even verbally fighting, etc. I could go on and on… but there’s no escaping the results, the negative responses that surface, because of all the ‘emotional talking’ are a problem for the man more than the woman. “The biology of a man’s brain requires that he get occasional vacations from emotional involvement.”
Women, generally don’t understand why, but simply react, and complain and find another outlet for their emotional needs when their man is unavailable, or unpleasant to ‘deal with right now’. But women, then resort to discussing ‘fixing the issue’ with yes, you guessed it…other women. “Uhhhh… that’s not gonna help.” Why? Because, women are different. Women don’t have the same problem, and definitely, not in the same way, even if they are introverted, like they think their man is. Women will gravitate toward ‘relational’ solutions. Want to talk, want to be with other people, and want to discuss, and discuss some more, until they find a solution to fix the problem. We don’t like waiting, leaving things open ended with no resolution, and we hate returning to things over and over again, when it all could have been cleared up in the first place, in the very beginning. Most men don’t operate that way. Hardly ever!
Gary goes on to explain in his book, It takes a man seven hours longer to process complex emotional conversations and confrontations. So, if I have a difficult conversation with my husband in the morning, I can expect that it will take him an entire workday to process what we have talked about, even if the exchange was only a few minutes worth of talking. And, if the topic was emotionally “loaded” like one of ours recently was, i.e. I suggested to my husband that, “I think you are spending too much time doing “blank” and we are not spending ‘enough time together.’ “I know we are both hurting over our daughters death, but if this continues, our future will not be good and this behavior isn’t helping us stay together, I think it is hurting our marriage.” Then I ask, “what are we gonna do about it?” I expect an answer. But this is a loaded, question I have been thinking about for a long time, that he has only just now heard. He’s gonna need time to process it. Even though, I skip that fact, and want to rush right into the solution, and Ideally I want it now, not later. Come on, girls, you know you do this too!
I just set off a ‘land mine’ in my husbands life. A bomb he didn’t know was about to go off, on top of it, he is really hurting about our daughters death, that only happened seven months ago, and he’s trying to process that while still working a regular job every day. Now, I add to his pressure, saying to him, ‘hey, by the way, we aren’t doing too well together, either.’ He may certainly hear me, while maybe he’s also thinking, ‘Wonderful! Great, another burden, I have to bear. Give me some more thing to do, when I feel like I can’t do anything. My helper, isn’t really interested in helping me right now, can’t she just take care of herself for the moment?’ “My daughter just died, I’m barely keeping it together.” “Now she expects me to take care of her too? you’ve got to be kidding!”
He may be thinking, yeah ‘I know I’m spending too much time playing computer games, or watching sports, or fishing, or on home improvement projects’…etc. (put in whatever your man does ‘too much of’ to check out of life, and you’ll get the picture). But understand also, that a man needs space and room to work out the emotional heaviness of what is actually affecting him internally, and unlike you, he usually doesn’t do the bulk of that processing with you, or quickly, at least not initially. He needs the time alone, the time away, time in the ‘man cave’ or attending to his car, or boat or whatever. Yes, he does need this for real. As long as it’s not destructive, compulsive, addictive, and obsessive, whatever the activity, it’s probably gonna help him more than you know. He needs to be allowed to putz, to ponder, to process, yes…unfortunately without you, somewhere else, even and often with an object instead of a person. Therefore, you can’t do this with him. If you try to join him, he will surely shut you out, but it’s not personal, it’s just “manly”.
The processing that a man needs takes time, a lot more time than what women need, more than I need. Especially, like the example I gave you in our own life, processing the death of our daughter, while adjusting to an empty next too we have at home. I can expect it to take my husband seven times longer, to work through his emotions before we can have healthy and constructive and especially, lengthy conversations about any changes, solutions, or suggestions that either of us could or should implement to help our relationship. It’s part of the reason, men retreat when crowded, they essentially run away, and women get impatient and panicky, and chase, cling and pursue because their man is pulling away. Pursuing a man, ‘chasing him’ is the wrong response from you, at that time, and also can make the pulling away from you worse instead of better. Usually, he’s not leaving you. He’s looking for space, and room, and ‘aloneness’, to decompress. He needs refuge, and relaxation, and you need to give it to him. Talking until everything is resolved, only helps the woman, by the way it rarely helps the man, if ever. The more talking, the more anxiety, pressure, and overwhelmed and annoyed the man becomes. If that’s what you’re seeing and experiencing from him. This is why. you’re not giving him room for any emotional rest, especially from you. Talking, and talking more, almost never helps the man, but only increases the anxiety, pressure, and emotional distress. It’s why men go away with only one thought hanging on them after a heated exchange, and women respond with, “that’s all you got out of our last conversation?” Really, all you heard was “blank”? I can’t believe it.” Yes, all the additional words were truly wasted. You should have said less, not more to him. He didn’t hear the rest anyway, all he heard was, “we’re not gonna be together” … the reasons why, his recent choices don’t factor in. He’s lost in the emotional land mine you helped him step in.
Yes! That’s it. You got it. That’s all he heard. it was a head full of information, even if it was only one sentence. Everything else you said, fell on deaf ears. I know it’s frustrating and exacerbating that a man has to play catch up with what you’ve maybe been stewing about for awhile, trying to find a way to explain how you want to improve things. But try to remember, if you just brought the subject matter to him, he just heard it for the first time. He’s going to now be playing catch up. He is going to need seven times more time to process, what you’ve been ruminating about for days, weeks, or months. He needs and deserves the ‘catch up time, so try to give it to him. And try not to beat him up about it, and disrespect him because it’s taking him ‘so long’. Just because you feel better ‘talking, and talking some more, ‘about things’ doesn’t mean he does, and doesn’t mean he’s wrong just because he’s now overwhelmed and processes differently than you do. He can’t or won’t talk about it any more until he’s had ‘time to think.’ To process his own emotions, to come to his own conclusions, and plans for change and improvement. If you love him, let him have this time, and take your talking and frustrations elsewhere, certainly to God, but perhaps a confidant, best friend and keep it confidential. Don’t tear down your man and let that all get back to him, vent privately.
The bible tells us to be willing to listen far more than we talk, so maybe it’s more of an exercise in learning to listen, when your husband can and does come back to talk. Be ready to listen, not criticize and judge. Just listen. Why not work on being more
prepared to ‘hear what your husband’ actually says, when he comes back to you. Be prepared to say a few things, not a lot of things back. Just because your husband says a summary of only a few sentences, doesn’t mean it isn’t be packed with many hours of thought and perhaps a wealth of deep information and emotion. Maybe, if you make yourself, and your home a safe place of refuge for your husband to come back to, when he does, the conversation you eventually do have, will be music to your ears. You’ll hear what you’ve always hoped he’d say.
When my husband ‘goes away’ and fishes for a day, goes on a retreat, or putzes in the garage for part of the weekend, he usually comes back refreshed and ready for ‘date night’ and reconnecting with me. I look forward to when he comes back, what conclusions he’s come to, what plans he’s ready to put in motion, what thoughts he has about solutions we might try together. If it still doesn’t meet my expectations, we get another chance to discuss it briefly, and for me, I return again to God and to prayer, to approach my husband better ‘the next time’, each time. I always get a lot of practice doing that. I wish I could tell you that after 27 years of marriage, I got this down, and do it well now. I don’t I’m still working at it.
Staying connected with my husband this year has been a challenge, but we are trying new ways to change that up too, because of the pandemic, and our present state of grief. So far, we are getting back on track with new ways to connect and come together, better in our golden years, we’re in our fifties right now. I’m enjoying what I’m learning to apply to my marriage as I read books like Sacred Influence by Gary Thomas which is new to me and helping me approach my husband in fresh and gentle ways. We have in our history, years of doing this poorly, hurting each other more than helping one another, but now we get many opportunities to do it better. As the years go by, I can say, we keep getting better, at communicating, connecting, giving each other space, and helping each other. This year has been one of our toughest years, but I hope these years continue to be our “golden years together.” And now I finally understand, why “My husband loves his truck, and boat, and I’m no longer threatened by his time away to process what I process with my girlfriends, knitting, and shopping. These are my “restful places”. Thank God, I think… my husband, never asks, “explain to me why you love knitting and shopping so much?” Or, when he asks, “How can you be out with your best friends and talk for five to seven hours? How can you have that much to talk about?” I chuckle, and think, ‘you’ll never know, you’ll never understand.” But, isn’t that also, ‘why I also have a BFF?’ That’s for another post, I think no man will ever even care to read. And that’s okay. It doesn’t matter.
Don’t be mad that he loves his car. Remember, your man, he also loves you!
With Rest, Susan