Recently the song “While I’m Waiting” by John Waller came up in my playlist queue and brought fresh tears to my eyes, because just nine months into the first year of the loss of my daughter, and I’m still waiting for all kinds of things, like – feeling normal, sleeping restfully, waking up without heaviness of heart, looking forward instead of back, remembering her without crying, my list could go on and on… I’m waiting on so many things. I want to move forward, but more often than not I find myself waiting instead.
Eternity is on my mind as well, how I’m spending my time waiting; how I’m worshipping and serving the Lord these days; where my joy is coming from; who I’m leaning on during the tough days ahead…Would I be as ready as my daughter was to meet Christ right now? I’m not sure, even though I know I’m His, and yet I don’t know where I want to be most days. I long for both death and life together at once, yet neither one wins. Most days I just get by, to live the next day. I want my days to be filled with more than that. I want to feel better, and keep wondering when that will be. I’m trying to be patient with myself, to give it time, to apply grace to myself, but progress is so slow. Waiting for better days is really hard. I keep wondering where they are. When will they show up? I wonder…I wonder.
Questions, thoughts to ponder, prayers to pray. Everything feels like a jumble of knots that need untangling. In my devotions I came across I Corinthians 1: 7 Paul addresses the Corinthians and says, “…you do not lack any spiritual gift as you eagerly wait for our Lord Jesus Christ to be revealed.” And I think, yes, that’s how I feel these days, I am eagerly awaiting Christ’s return or my own going to him. I looking for continuous revelations of him around every corner. I wait with anticipation. With desire. With expectation and longing for something I don’t have here and now. And it feels like a long wait, a long time coming, an exercise in patience, endurance, and persistence. Some days I want it to come sooner, come now, for the waiting to be over. Other days, I want it to remain far away, off in the distance. Like looking out into the horizon that goes on and on.
I’m longing for a better world in the meantime, relief from grief, pain, sorrow, which only seems to come with prayer and meditation. I’m finding myself seeking more and more time alone to commune with God. It helps, but then daily life invades, requiring my involvement, my participation, my energy. I play this song and remind myself as Paul said, every spiritual gift is available and accessible through Christ. I only need to ask. I only need to receive. I only need to live in his grace. I only need to worship while I wait. I can do that.
What are you doing in your grief? What are you waiting on? Have you found a way through your grief that is healing, helping?
Are you worshipping while you wait for better days?
Susan