I’ve been struggling with the acceptance of the loss of my daughter. At various points along this journey of grief, I have thought, “Surely there is no more light in this world to live for.” Some days are like stumbling through stubborn darkness from sun-up to sundown. Thankfully I have lots of resources to read and pray over to return my thoughts to something better than giving up, or giving in.
Today that resource is a devotional book by Kathe Wunnenberg, Grieving the loss of a loved one: A Devotional of Comfort as you Mourn. Devotion 29, entitled ‘a Tissue and a Candle’, struck me today with great comfort, which reminds me that,“painful emotions and darkness may be a continuing part of my lifelong journey through grief”. Rather than wallow in that reality, I can accept that and incorporate these moments into my life effectively. I can allow the tears to come and cry them out with a tissue close at hand, while knowing I will not always cry, but when I do, it’s okay to cry. It has been better to cry out some tears, as the painful emotions flood me, and let the tears wash them away. Formerly, I believed my painful emotions would overwhelm me and remain. That I wouldn’t be able to get away from them or find any relief from them. But indeed, they simply well up, and tears help wash the pain away. I am grateful, grieving is actually helping me now, cleansing and removing the pain a little bit at a time. One tear at a time. Another bible passage tells me that God keeps our tears in a bottle, and that none go unnoticed by Him. God knows my pain, and offers His spirit to help me through it.
I know not everyone experiences grief in this manner, as a cleansing removal of great pain. It has also, not always been my experience, but my life of faith, daily devotions in my prayer time with God, and friends and family to talk with, help me find bits and pieces of light when I feel darkness trying to overtake me. Even the smallest light in complete darkness can still light a better path. The bible talks about “a lamp unto my feet”. Just enough light for the next step and not more. I understand this now. How dependent I am daily, on just enough light to get me through today. Like manna in the wilderness. I only receive what I need for each day. I must rely on God to provide what I need each day. Each day is different, each day requires something I don’t already have on my own. Many things this world cannot offer me, things that don’t help my grief but only compound it. The comfort I need, I cannot find apart from God. The world has very little to offer. I am grateful God has an abundance to give. God has a plan and a path, that’s only revealed alongside Him. I have to want His path more than the one I have planned for myself. I have found through much experience, His path through life is far better than my own, but sometimes I get lost and wander away from the path he has planned for me.
Most of the time, I do not know where I am going, but I trust the one who is leading me, God knows what is coming next. Where he leads, I can follow in confidence. God’s Word, my bible, offers a lot of light at my fingertips everyday. Comfort and encouragement, to know I am not walking through my grief alone. Christ is with me in every step. I don’t have to know where I am going, it’s better to try to enjoy the unfolding journey. This part of the journey, is hard, unpleasant, and challenging, but there are bright spots sprinkled along this path. I just don’t always want to acknowledge that. I don’t always take advantage of the oasis right in front of me.
When I lose my light these days, I ask God to pierce through my darkness and light a path before me. He hasn’t failed me yet. I know he won’t.
How do you press on through the darkness of your grief?
May you rely on Him to light your way!
Susan