We are nine months into our first year after our daughter’s fatal car accident. I wish I could say getting through the many “firsts” of this year was easy, but especially lately, I’m really struggling to keep a positive perspective among the many “firsts” we are experiencing without her. I’ve done grief share many times and even led groups, yet going through this grief process again this time is especially hard. Mostly because, I just don’t enjoy my life as much without her. We were very close. Maybe I didn’t even realize what a crucial part of my life my daughter was to me. I miss her so very much.
We did Christmas this year with my brother-in-law’s family and it was truly delightful. My adult sons, got to spend time with their cousins, and my grandson, my daughter’s son, was with us. It was a very special time together. Christmas was my daughters favorite holiday. The planning, the baking, the decorating, and our “Black Friday” shopping traditions were all difficult to do without her. These were the things she truly enjoyed. That’s what I was missing the most, doing these things with her. But her son, Aiden, 2 1/2 years old, was discovering gifts for the first time and loving celebrating Christmas with his cousins. That helped my distraction, turning my focus onto him.
That makes for a “first” new memory of Christmas I can hold onto to write over the pain of my first Christmas without my daughter. I will cherish these memories. But this year, there were other “firsts” that added to my pain instead of lessening it. I went to see my hairdresser alone this year, I have gone to get my hair done with my daughter, Rachel, since she was 12 years old. We usually had a meal together and did some shopping together also. This time she wasn’t there. It was hard to go without her. It made me miss her more. But I did it, and wed got through it, not without tears, but we knew we’d be crying before the day was done. It was a first that is going to take time to build a better memory.
I bought a game for my niece and nephews, it was a silly balanced game called “don’t rock the boat” with pirate penguins. I knew they were getting “too old” for these games, they are becoming pre-teens. But, that was my point, I wanted us to play something easy and silly to get us laughing. My sister-in-law and I had more fun playing that silly game than the kids did that evening. Perhaps that will become a new tradition. I will be the aunt that brings something fun and silly to our gatherings. It is another funny memory that will help me heal.
A memory I have of my daughter, Rachel, with her cousins is all the girls, all grown teenagers, they were coloring “princess pages” from a jumbo Disney coloring book on one of our vacations on a rainy day. The boys were putting together plastic sand toys and boats to play with on the beach. Yes, as teenagers they were fully building castles, launching little toys boats, and building moats on the beach and looked like giants doing it with those tiny toys. Mind you they were all way above five years old, the starting age for these toys. All the adults got a kick out of watching these pre-adults come together and have some fun with simple toys, and they weren’t embarrassed one bit, they were having a great time together. It’s one of my best vacation memories. Simple silly things can bring simple silly joy. These days I could use more of that.
Mother’s Day and Father’s Day were particularly hard on me this year. My daughter was a pasty chef, and very talented. She always made any special occasion more special, by the cakes and cookies she would bake and design for these special days. It’s difficult for me to go to any bakery and buy these delights without crying at the counter. I miss my daughter’s creations the most. But we may have a budding baker growing up to do the same, my niece, has been trying her hand at these skills and proving to be a delicious and talented baker. I see culinary school in her future. That would make my daughter so happy to see her cousin carry on with baking in our family. I can’t wait to see my niece graduate years from now, in her chef outfit. That will be a true delight.
We have more birthdays to get through this year, and our first family vacation together without her this August. Already I’m mentally planning on how to add new happy memories and silly things to create more join than the pain that I know I will feel in the background. It has been such a blessing to be together as a growing family and go on vacation together. I look forward to it the entire year. When I was sick with Cancer, I was afraid those vacations would end for me. I am so grateful to still be here to enjoy them and to see our extended family continue to extend.
My youngest son, will marry this August, God willing, and there may be another wedding on the horizon next year. We are struggling with the unique problems of the logistics of getting everyone together in one place at the same time, and having a place big enough to do so. But it’s so worth it, when we all come together. There is nothing like family and friends to help mend a broken heart. The bible tells me that Jesus is near to the broken hearted. I long to feel that more and more as this year unfolds. How are you handing your “firsts” of the first year of losing your loved one? What things are you finding that are helping you get through it?
Hope in Him, Susan