Twenty Nine years ago I married my husband. We were 25 years old at the time, young, ambitious, broken, and naive. I didn’t recognize the signs of addiction in my husbands life. I thought computer games were just that, games. I never realized what a destructive impact they would have on my marriage. It wasn’t the only addition my husband had, (that’s a much longer story), but it was the acceptable one I could see. The one I would complain about, to my pastor, who would tell me, “it’s unfortunate for sure, but it’s not an offense you can divorce over. It’s sin, sure, harmful, perhaps, but there’s not much you can do to change it, unless your husband acknowledges the damage it’s causing and wants to change.” My husband wouldn’t admit it was a problem no matter how much I confronted, challenged, and complained. Soon, in his mind I became the real problem, because I was nagging him all the time about it, I couldn’t handle simple, harmless, computer games. Boy did he have another thing coming.
Thankfully, because of those ongoing meetings with my pastor, I got better at learning how to live alongside an addict that wouldn’t repent. Those early years in our marriage were very unpleasant. I stirred up 90 percent of the fights and arguments. I didn’t go about it often in the correct manner, but all in all, I still really didn’t know how to deal with an addict. If I had educated myself more about the addictive cycle, maybe I would have done things differently, but then again, maybe my results wouldn’t have been as successful as they have been. Living with an unhappy wife is difficult for a man to do, that fact actually may have helped my husband eventually seek the help he so desperately needed. I’m not justifying my own behavior, just analyzing our experience. I believe there are quicker & gentler ways through addition recovery than what our experience was, but I must be truthful about where we have been and how we got here. We had little knowledge, guidance, help, or support in the beginning. We did a lot wrong, but we did get a few things right. I’m grateful for the positive results we enjoy today. There is hope for any marriage, struggling in an addictive mess.
My pastor did guide me to select the hills to die on, the battles worth fighting for. Within the first three years of marriage we had two children, just 15 months apart. The added stress and strain of raising children, of course fueled my husbands need to escape responsibilities. I soon realized I had married more of a child than a man. I was resentful of that fact. I wanted to force him to grow up. My pastor began to suggest, ‘if he wants to act like a child, then let him reap the consequences of a child.’ When an important event would come up to which my husband needed to step up to and attend and act like an adult, but instead he wished to skip out on and selfishly feed his flesh, my pastor said. “Let him. ‘Let him’ make the choice, but make sure he then experiences the consequences of his choice. Don’t lie for him, don’t protect his reputation, instead expose his poor choices with the truth, make him accountable to his own choices.”
The next opportunity would always arrive. Armed with this new strategy, an opportunity came to try this new approach. A family event arrived in my husbands family that we as a family should attend. I made the appropriate arrangements to attend, however, my husband said, “Yeah, I’m not gonna go to that” and gave his list of poor excuses. Instead of arguing with him, I did what my pastor said, “don’t try to change his mind, don’t try to manipulate, remind or convince him about what might occur if he doesn’t fulfill his obligations. Absolutely, don’t enable him, or lie for him. Don’t add your own sin to his. Let his stand alone. Let him suffer the consequences of his poor decision.” I said okay. So, I prepared to go and went to the event without my husband, knowing full well, I would hear the question repeatedly, “where is Garry today?” I also determined not to lie for him or protect him anymore, so when asked, “where is your husband today?” I simply said, “oh he’s at home today playing computer games, he felt that was more worth his time than being here today to visit with any of you. I’m here though and I really appreciate the opportunity to spend time with you.”
My husband has a big family, with dozens of cousins, aunts and uncles. As my answer never wavered, by the end of socializing all day, his family got the message. His Grandmother, who was much like a ‘GodFather’ Grandma amongst his family, got wind of my husbands absence and naturally took offense, she called my husband even before I arrived home. As I walked in the door, my husband was already yelling at me about what I said to his family. I remained calm and simply stated, “I didn’t do anything wrong, I told them the truth. Of course you didn’t want them to know what you were really doing today and how little you think of them, that they weren’t worth taking time out of your life to be with them. Of course they now know that you didn’t want to be there & chose silly computer games instead of them, which is sad. I hope they also realize that I showed more care for them today than you, & they are your family and not mine. If you’re ashamed that they know that now, you should be. I will never lie for you or protect you again, to make you look better than you are to your family. If you care about your reputation, then stop being so selfish and behaving like a child, it takes work and effort to have good relationships with others, something it seems you have never learned.”
Of course, my husband was angry at me and I certainly paid a hefty price not just that day but for many more as he emotionally, and verbally tried to punish me for my actions with continuous cycles of the “cold shoulder” or badgering, belittling verbal tirades against my character. I learned over time how to apply a “gentle answer turns away wrath.” It didn’t stop my husband from spewing his wrath at me, but it did stop it from escalating because I no longer engaged in the discussion. I no longer tried to defend or justify my actions. As soon as my husband would lose his temper, I would pull down all of my anger and become silent and let him rage. It was hard, really hard to do, his comments would become nastier and nastier, but my pastor would also say, “don’t respond, don’t engage, stand firm and silent, or walk away, but do not give him an answer, let him spew. If you have to answer him, say it as gently as you can. Don’t raise your voice, don’t defend, point out his faults, try to change his mind, or tell him he’s wrong. Don’t push more of his buttons. Keep it impersonal. His wrath is his own. Don’t sin with him.” Pray for him, that the more out of control he gets, he will finally see it and want to get help. I spent 3 years of our marriage this way, until he was willing to get help. It was a long time, it felt like a decade, but he did finally get help, it took 6 more years to recover from the damage of his addiction, but it was worth it. I would do it again if I had to. Thank God today, we no longer live that way.
That day was a turning point in our marriage and the beginning steps of not letting my husbands sin, and addiction rule me alongside him. I went to his family’s event and actually had a good time that day. I felt better not lying for him. I refused to sin as well as him, and although I paid for it with his wrath, I knew I did the right thing. I pleased God that day, while my husband did not. His family began to see that he was the one that didn’t want to be there not me, he was the one that wasn’t making them a priority in his life not me. I benefited by improving the family relationships I interacted with that day while he did damage to his.
There is a very good book entitled, Addictions: A Banquet in the Grave
I recognize today how appropriate that title really is. Addictions rob otherwise healthy individuals of life, life today and life tomorrow, because as they entertain their addictions, indulge in them and feast in them today, the end result takes away all loving relationships around them that they think will still be there long after they stop investing time and care in them. Many relationships don’t survive the addiction. Most are destroyed by the selfishness of the addict.
This pattern of course repeated itself over and over in an insane and unmanageable manner until my husbands addiction nearly tore our family apart. Computer games to this day, can and sometimes do, seduce my husband into making poor decisions with his time. When that happens I still allow him to suffer the consequences of that while tempering my tongue and actions so that we both see a kinder way to avoid negative consequences, we are both now fully aware of. At the time, my husband would merely steamroll right over any kinder explanation for his choices and actions, so I was far more blunt in how I delivered the truth about his poor choices to others. We have learned a lot about ourselves through the years. We are more equipped today to head off the dangers of our addictive desires. Also, because of our own weaknesses, we both have additionally learned to apply more grace in these areas to one another, especially, as repentance is attained when we sin in the similar ways today.
If you have a loved one in your life that, has an addiction, regardless of the type of addition, the path out of it remains the same for a Christian. Christ must become first in the addicts life & yours. Obedience to Christ & submission to Christian standards in lifestyle is the only way to break the bonds of dangerous, destructive, fleshly desires, and misplaced priorities in your life that do not please God, build a peaceful and abundant life that avoids the death of happiness, peace, and relationships. Many marriages die because of additions. Many children grow up to repeat what they have seen and endured because additions ruled in their homes growing up.
If you are married to an addict, please seek help, get counsel, stop it now, before it destroys your home, health, family, and marriage.
Please, Put the addiction in the grave instead of yourself.
If the Son has set you free, you are free indeed. Stay free. Susan