We have ventured past the one year anniversary of our daughter’s death. It was a difficult day for me, really an entire week or two of overflowing returning grief. As the anniversary of her death arrived, new cards, flowers, and remembrance condolences arrived again, and of course that added to my resurfacing grief, unfortunately it came at a time I felt I was just getting to a place where I could begin to look forward, instead of mourning the past looking back.
Then my husband thoughtfully reminded me of a puritan article written about being careful not to entertain thoughts and wishes about our loved ones not being with us as we experience new seasons of life and adventures without them. He said this was a sure way to enter a deep pit of grief once again. Of course I had already begun down that road as we recently went on our first “family vacation” without my daughter where I felt her absence everywhere among almost everything we did for a few days before I could begin to snap myself out of the self pity cycle of renewed grief, and the “‘Oh how I wish Rachel was here for this,’ or ‘oh, how I know Rachel would love that.’”
I was so grateful for his reminder to stop entertaining such thoughts and feelings and focus instead on family members & friends who were with us, and new memories that can still be made and cherished. Changing my own perspective was key to staying out of that deep cavernous grief I found trying to swallow me whole.
We enjoyed our vacation out west, among beautiful mountain vistas. A glorious reminder of God’s wondrous creation before us, and our ability to enjoy it. We took our first new photograph together, my husband, my two sons and myself. While the photograph was difficult for me to endure, because it solidified for me, we are now a family of only four.
It also forced me to embrace, family size will continue to change with or without my daughter. We are soon to add a new daughter-in-law to our family, with my younger son getting married in just a few weeks. It is an opportunity for joy, and an event I am genuinely look forward to.
As I return to my routine of daily devotions, and thankfulness. I can say, the Lord continues to bring us through our afflictions of missing our daughter, even as our other adult children venture on into their own adult lives. I can watch and catch glimpses of delight and their joy as they discover all they can experience in their lives ahead. Sometimes I miss the wonder that they still have, that life experience has changed in my own life.
It has truly been a difficult year for everyone I have met, for some more than others. But, it is also an opportunity to look for the best in one another, and try to bring the best of ourselves to one another as well. I hope as the coming year unfolds, I do a better job at bringing out the best I have to give. How about You?
Encouraging and Expecting your Best, Susan