Since this pandemic has taken over our globe, it has been challenging to meet anyone who is not heavily discouraged right now. As I reflected about that this morning, what came to mind was another time when I was, as discouraged as I have ever been. I was disappointed in myself, lamenting to God, grumbling and complaining, and fretting about all kinds of things, most of the time. Nothing anyone said improved my countenance and even my faith didn’t penetrate my bad attitude. Of course, I knew that was my problem, but things that normally helped me, weren’t working.
Psalms 37:8 says, “Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret- it leads only to evil.’ This passage seemed like really strong language against, fretting, which I was assuming was completely normal, especially while I was recovering from a very rare Cancer, I felt like I had a ‘right to complain, fret, and worry’ a little. ‘How could fretting lead to actual evil?’ I wondered. But that thought didn’t stop me from continuing to fret.
Of course, I knew the bible also tells me not to worry, but to take my worries to God, and I’d been doing that, but my expectations about what ‘I thought He should be doing ‘for me, and about me’ were causing me to begin to doubt God’s goodness to me, doubt my encouraging recovery from cancer, and dwell on all the things ‘I still couldn’t do’ that I began thinking God was keeping from me. (Sound familiar, the same struggles that go all the way back to the Garden of Eden). Hmmm!
I wondered if I would ever return to a “normal life” I had been so sick for more than a decade, that once the cancer was removed, I thought I would get back the years of loss physically, emotionally, and spiritually. But God had my best in mind, not just what was good for me for the moment. Secretly I wanted a ‘new friend’ someone who would know all the time what to say just when I needed a kind word, and someone who would know precisely how I felt and offer just the right comfort at the right time. I had high expectations of anyone who might try to fill this role I had created for them.
Those ‘great expectations’ were unreasonable to expect anyone, even my husband to fill such a role. It was impossible for anyone to know what I needed all the time. Much less meet those needs.
So, I began proposing to God that he give me a ‘new relationship’ even if he made over one I already had, to meet these felt needs. I didn’t realize at the time, that God was already doing that, and had been from day one of my diagnosis. I just was really dense, so it took about a year of suffering in every way to get me to see I was already receiving what I had asked for. I kept looking for a physical person to help me through my recovery and because of that expectation I wasn’t too pleasant toward God about how I thought ‘He was failing to bring me ‘someone with skin on’, a real person’, that was what I determined I needed to get through this huge trial.
I’m so glad God has more patience and mercy than I do, and that He understands exactly what we need more than we do. That he offers what is best to us, not just what we think is best, or good enough to get by. It wasn’t that God didn’t care about me, wasn’t answering or hearing my prayer, was offering something instead of what I was asking for, no God was indeed filling my request, I was just rejecting what He was sending my way, until I knew what and who He was sending.
As I said, I was really dense this particular time and I couldn’t blame it on “Chemo brain” like my recovering cancer survivor friends. I had plenty of friends and family, trying to ‘be there’ for me, but mostly, I think, I just exhausted them and myself because I wanted answers no one could know, I wanted guarantees no one could give, and I wanted my former life back, physically. Period. I felt like that was the least that God could do for me. Actually, I wanted more, physically I wanted a rewind in time. I wanted all physical limitations removed entirely. It was very arrogant, and prideful and I already knew what the bible says about proud people, I was one of them, and so I knew God would oppose what I wanted from a source of pride.
However, I pleaded once more with God one morning about what I thought I wanted, “please send me a real person to talk to, ‘I can’t take one more day of isolation, one more walk outside alone, watch one more movie alone, read or listen to one more book alone’ I cried out to God, I need more than this! ‘I need someone to actually “Be Here With Me”.
As I hung my head in silence I waited for God’s response. For a short while, I heard only silence. Then… God proposed back to me an invitation…
To hear the rest of this story, please see my next post God’s Invitation. (2/26/2021)
to be continued…Susan