Discouraged about my recovery from cancer progressing more slowly than I had hoped, and fretting over my exercise program and the lack of any noticeable results, I stepped on my bathroom scale one morning and instantly began to rant. I sounded like my husband watching a Detroit Lions football game. “Aw! Come on, that’s it!” “That’s all? Really? That doesn’t even count!” “I can’t believe it. You’ve got to be kidding me. After all that effort and that’s all you’ve got for me?” “That’s Not Fair!” “What a complete waste of time.”
In disgust, I stepped off the scale, knowing my exercising wasn’t giving me anything positive to work with. For a year I’d been trying to lose some weight, any amount would have been welcomed beyond the yo-yo of the one to two pounds of water retention at my age. I was working out five times a week, and rigorous workouts, no ‘patty cake’ workouts. But nothing was happening. Nothing. ‘How was that even possible?’ I wondered. Doctors were even wondering with me, as I longed everything I ate as well. The calories in and calories out, didn’t add up either. Why wasn’t any weight moving off my body? (That’s another story). This was the focus of my mind, I wanted some type of return on my investment of time. I wasn’t getting any and it was maddening.
Once again, I was ready to quit and give up, but knew I couldn’t. Exercise and eating healthy was now a lifestyle necessity if I wanted to keep cancer from recurring. But this particular morning I’d preferred to “whine instead”. I’d been praying specifically also to God about my ongoing needs, (of course as I saw them). After a year of praying, it had become evident, we didn’t agree on what I thought I needed.
I cried out my final request on this subject, “Lord please provide me with a ‘real person’ I can spend some time with to get through this ongoing trial, I can’t do it alone anymore. “I need someone to be here with me.’” I knew I was on the verge of ranting, and I was trying to suppress my own muttering and sat down to approach God in my morning devotions. Then I blurted out my frustrations to Him instead. “Lord I must be doing something wrong, maybe everything wrong. I’ve tried this, and I’ve tried that, but nothing is working and now because of my poor health, I’m reduced to ‘Just Walking’. I said it with much contempt. “I’ll never lose a pound ‘just walking’ and “Lord you know how much I hate to walk ‘alone’” And then I asked a question I really didn’t want the answer to. “Why isn’t anything working?”
At this, I hung my head in silence, waiting for God’s response Finally, I heard God answer like a gentle whisper, “Too much, too fast, too soon… wrong focus.” And I sobbed, in agreement. “I know, Lord, I know, but I’m so tired of doing this ‘all alone’.” “I don’t think I can stand to take even one more walk outside, alone. Now what?”
And then I waited in silence for His reply, as He invited….”Will you walk with me?”
It hit me like a fresh, warm, tropical breeze. I finally heard God break through my stubborn will. “Just Walk with Me.” It was like hearing my husband’s wedding proposal as he chose me for his bride.
I’d been walking almost daily, month after month with my dog, Bella, and while she was my constant companion, my loneliness wasn’t lessened by her presence. Without the knowledge that God was already with me everywhere I went, and focusing on that, all the beauty that surrounded me outside as I walked everyday in several beautiful parks along Lake St. Clair, in Michigan; I was missing the beauty all around me and within me too. My walks didn’t seem to help my inner attitude, bring me any type of peace, or give me momentary or lasting enjoyment. I was missing all those things and knew it, but couldn’t figure out why.
Although I survived cancer, I wasn’t living victoriously. I seemed ungrateful, though I wasn’t, but I was certainly missing the ability to enjoy my extended life. I went out for walks with my dog, listening to Christian music, listening to pastors sermons, christian podcasts, and even Christian books, but nothing really penetrated my inner emptiness and loneliness. I was craving companionship as I did when I was young, and nothing and no one was enough.
Suddenly, when I realized my error, I should have been and could have been inviting God to come along with me on all of my walks, and devote that time to him, it was like a new revelation. It was indeed, a ‘new relationship’ I’d been asking for. I already had, but now it was moving to a new level of intimacy. I felt foolish for not recognizing it earlier. I wasted so much time walking alone without God. Without Him. I also wondered why I’d been excluding Him, leaving Him behind on my daily walks. But instead of fretting this time, I responded to God’s invitation like a young girl responding to an engagement proposal. “I’d love to walk with you, God.” ‘Nothing could make me happier.’ Indeed that has been true.
Since, I’ve begun to spend this time with God, my walks have become the best part of my day. My conversations with God are as intimate and captivating as a bride with her groom and I can barely express the love I feel poured into my soul by the Lord everyday. He did indeed provide a ‘real person’ for me to talk to. Just not one that can be seen here and now. But that doesn’t diminish who he is, in glorified, resurrected form. Jesus could eat food, and embrace, and did have a real physical body after his resurrection, he was indeed still a ‘real person’. The good news is, he will return again in physical form, but until he does… I have his spirit in me as a deposit toward that great day, and can still talk to him, and walk with him, and enjoy His presence with me even now. It’s a mystery to many, but a truth to experience if you ask Him. He draws near to those who want him. I want Him. What about you?
If your relationship with God could use some renewal, I encourage you to try “walking with Him”. Yes, get outside, or inside, and find a place to walk with Him. He will be there for every step. Just walk with Him. Talk with Him.
Now, I never walk alone, God always joins me, he’s never too tired, too busy, or unavailable to
walk with me, and our talks are my daily treasure.
Walk with Him, Susan