My husband and I both brought into our marriage a pretty massive amount of emotional baggage, as do most newly married couples. The only difference I could really say was, mine was perhaps a little ‘prettier’ than his, as if I could say, “yes, it’s a full set, seven pieces, but ‘look isn’t it pretty it all matches’” LOL.
Both our families of origin created emotional and spiritual baggage that both my husband and I carried, some we certainly knew existed, some we discovered only as marriage brought them out of the proverbial closet. There were serious problems and emotional deficits within our lineage like addictions to gambling and alcohol, and natural trauma, like many deaths in our parents generation and the generation above them. Some of these, I also experienced, I lost most of my close immediate family to death, 16 members of my family, all my grandparents, many aunts and uncles, and my father, all died, all before I became an adult. Those compounding losses affected my emotional stability, and outlook on life, and my beliefs about God, as well as handicapped my coping skills in my adult life.
Relational deficits were created from parents who tried to do their best to avoid and change addictions that could be handed down, and they made some good choices for that, as they raised their children, (my husband and I ), but really, they were still lacking the emotional, relational, and spiritual ability to help us learn healthy ways of coping when tragedies and troubles entered our own lives. We unfortunately grew up in dysfunctional homes and didn’t know it. After we married, we learned how much emotional and spiritual immaturity was in both of us. There was much that needed fixing, and much more that needed healing.
Just a few years into our marriage, our baggage, both of ours, began spilling out and we weren’t doing a very good job at working together to fix any of our mounting problems, either individually or together. Early on, I just kept believing “we shouldn’t have ‘these problems’ we love each other”, and my husband just kept trying to ‘escape them.’ I believed Love should fix our problems and heal all our wounds. I wasn’t completely wrong, God does those things with His love toward and in us. But I didn’t know those truths early on and neither did my husband.
Needless to say, our marriage struggled in those early years. For about a decade, I remember thinking, ‘I just don’t know why we can’t help each other.’ I always feel like we are enemies instead of intimate companions. ‘Why do we always end up on opposite sides of almost every issue and problem we have?’When we matured, both emotionally, and spiritually, finally in the midst of a major issue, that I truly just wanted to run away from, my husband turned to me and said, “Hey, remember…’Same Team! Same Team!’ “We are on the same team.”
It was en epiphany for sure, I thought ‘wow, he finally got it.’ I’ve always wanted us on the same team, living that way, thinking that way, acting that way. In the midst of our troubles, this particular time, my husband reminded us both that ‘we are on the same team.’ It was what I always wanted to hear. But I am reminded, when I see other couples struggling, that if they haven’t learned this secret yet, and don’t work on actual strategies of actions and words to create and build this ‘same team’ concept in their marriage, and actually work on keeping it that way, they may never experience the companionship, confidence, and security that can be known with this present in their marriage.Some things that get in the way are, misunderstandings, un-forgiveness, bitterness, resentments, and certainly more grievous sins. Sometimes counseling is needed to help both marriage partners learn exactly that, how to be partners as they approach, attack, and resolve their problems together.
After 27 years of marriage, I think my husband and I are finally doing the ‘same team’ concept well. But we still have our moments. Recently I picked a fight with him, over something that was really important to me, but not a big deal to him. We fell into an old pattern of pointing fingers, and blaming each other, each as a way to say, ‘you fix your side of this first because it’s your fault’ then maybe I’ll fix mine. Or I don’t think this is a ‘big problem at all, really maybe this is just your problem’. Of course those remarks and responses set both of us off. Soon we were arguing, and as it got heated, I suddenly stopped, chuckling, and said “wait, what are we doing?”
We’re supposed to be on the same team, never mind ‘who started this or why and how’ What are we gonna do about it?” That statement got through, and my husband immediately calmed down and listed possible solutions and suggestions. Which is really all I wanted in the first place, knowledge the problem, even if you don’t agree about the source, or size, but just acknowledge your spouse sees it as a problem, then figure out together what you can do to change it or remove it, and definitely improve it.
My husband and I were simply not spending enough quality time together and definitely for me, it was becoming a hurtful and bigger and bigger problem for me. We were losing our connection and beginning to drift from each other and I wanted to stop it now, early on, before it got worse. Thankfully, our years of counseling training has paid off. We immediately talked through our issues and began a new plan to create more togetherness that we would both enjoy. Together.The ‘Same Team’ concept has helped us maintain a more connected and satisfying life together. I hope that this will remind you to create the same in your own marriage. Small steps in the rights direction can make all the difference. Why not start today at getting you and your spouse, On the Same Team!
May you find your way onto the Same Team, Susan
