The grieving truly do need to know how much you care before you share. Saying a lot, while sharing relevant stories, and profound wisdom, doesn’t always come across to the grieving in the way you intended. What you think is helpful, could come across as hurtful. When in doubt, and you con’t know what to say…say that. “I don’t know what to say, but I want you to know I care for you and I’m so sorry for your loss”. That says you care about them and their loss. If you can squeeze, their hand, or give them a hug, that may be appropriate too. Touch can be a powerful healer. But try to refrain from trying to make sense to what may be or seem senseless to them right now. Stories and platitudes may have their place, but not in the shock of new grief, and sometimes not even as they move along in their grief, later on either. Some stories and thoughts are just better left unsaid, or simply written down and shared in the form of a card or message at a later time. Try to think about how you might respond if your friend shared what you want to say to them, if you were the one grieving. Stepping into the grievers shoes, might help you decide if what you want to share is appropriate. As time passes, friends and family often feel awkward about mentioning the name of your loved one or talking about them for fear they may add to your sorrow or pain. They may worry about setting you back, just as you seem to be doing better. But the truth is, you are already in sorrow and pain because of the loss of your loved one. You are most certainly already still thinking about your loved one, perhaps all the time. They are not ‘bring it up’ their loved ones memories are already running in the background of their mind. Yes, you’re turning their attention to their loved one, which could add to their discomfort, but it could also bless them with a new memory and exchange that might help their grief and healing. On the flip side, if friends and family pretend and act as if you are not in pain at all and ignore that you are still grieving, that can also be hurtful. Certainly everyone grieves differently, so in some cases, a grieving person does indeed, not want to hear stories or talk about their deceased loved one. But, that is not always the case, sometimes the griever cherishes and welcomes that exchange even if it causes uncomfortable emotions for both of you.
Often, if you want to know how to help a friend in grief, as awkward as it is, you usually have to ask the grieving, ‘what is best and helpful for them?’. ‘Do they want to talk about it, hear a story about their loved one, or is that just too hard right now’. Most people will tell you what they are able to bear in their grief. Trust what they tell you, pay attention to how they respond to the question, and follow their lead. Don’t be surprised if they change the subject entirely or ask you to talk about normal things instead. “Normal” may be what they need most. If they do, respect their choice, and pray for them if you think they are avoiding or suppressing their grief in an unhealthy way. You’re not responsible for their choice, and you may harm your relationship with them by insisting they grieve the way you expect or want them to. Remember, they are not you. Grief is different for everyone. Some want to talk about it and their loved ones, others do not. What they say and do will tell you which kind of griever they are. There is no, one, right and wrong way to grieve.
Recently, a friend wanted to share something with me about my daughter, but was afraid to for fear she’d make me cry. So she asked me, in just that way, “I want to share with you a memory about Rachel, but I don’t want to make you cry”. However, I encouraged her to share her memory and of course, then we were both crying. We laughed together about our crying, as we enjoyed the memory together. I appreciated that she had the courage to share her memory, and join me in my emotions without caring about the awkwardness of it. It was helpful and special and it showed how much she cares about me, as I miss my daughter. It’s a natural part of my healing to reminisce and remember until it no longer hurts to do so. I look forward to the day when that happens, when it no longer hurts, but I don’t shrink from that fact that it still hurts today, as it should. Part of my healing progresses forward through my willingness to remember and reminisce, and my friends and family’s willingness to share their stories and memories helps me do that. Even while it may be uncomfortable and sometimes it hurts. I’m okay with that and I want them to be okay with it too.
Shared stories and memories about the grieving persons loved one are usually welcomed to be shared because what’s shared is about their ‘loved one’. What is not beneficial or welcomed is when you share a story or memory of a grief that you believe to be the same or similar enough to the persons grieving situation that you believe they are presently in. Even if the story is useful, the griever may not be able to relate or misunderstand your intent altogether. A story about a different circumstance of grief, or a story about someone else that the griever doesn’t know, and especially if you do not, personally, know the griever well, that type of sharing could make your sharing inappropriate. Without meaning to, you set up the griever to wonder if you are trying to compare their situation or level of grief to another’s, or if you are indeed trying to minimize the severity of their grief, or imply that they need to move along in their grief because someone else’s grief circumstance is more horrific than theirs. In any case, it just comes across as hurtful and insensitive to the grieving. So, it’s important to be careful about what we share, and how we share our stories. Perhaps, save that story for another time, maybe when they have reached a reflective place in their grief, or before you share it, preface it by asking if they want to hear your story, and make sure you tell them that it’s about someone else, and a similar situation that you believe might be helpful to them, and try to explain why you thought it might help. Let them decide if they think they want to hear what you have to say. Give them a safe way out of the conversation, and don’t be offended if they can’t handle your story right now, and don’t feel up to hearing it. When you impose it upon them anyway, without letting them know what’s coming, they may walk away wondering if you really cared about them in their grief at all because you were more intent on telling them ‘your story’ instead of just being with them in their grief.
They are Grieving, so let them grieve their way. If they hear your story and respond poorly, you know then, it wasn’t a good choice to share it with them, and you misjudged the situation, and apologize for possibly offending them. You didn’t mean to of course, but what occurs to you as beneficial, outside their grief, that you thought would be helpful and relevant, sometimes just isn’t. Sometimes they are just not in the best place to hear it. Handle those in grief delicately and patiently. Offer and apply a lot of grace. I love stories and shared memories about my daughter, Rachel especially those that others want to share with me because they are memories and stories beyond my own experience. I treasure them, I can usually handle the emotions they bring up, but when I can’t, that is the risk the sharer took with me. We both may apologize for that result, if we end up in a heap of tears together, but my true, close friends and family can handle that too. It’s part of being in this grief together. When I meet people who can’t do that, or are uncomfortable, and withdraw and avoid me, because of the possibility of raw emotions, I know they are not able to come alongside me in my grief as I’d like them to and I find others to befriend me. I limit my sharing with those individuals and expect them to do the same. I try not to hold it against them, because we all grieve differently and my style of grieving clearly isn’t the same as theirs. No one is right or wrong. Just different. Some are comfortable with expressing their grief as I am, others are not. So, as you share, and what you share, do so thoughtfully, courageously, and carefully. If it doesn’t go well, clear it up as best you can when it goes sour. Explain your intent, and if they respond poorly, try to give them grace, I’m sure they need loads of it right now. Perhaps you do too. Pray for the grieving, that they can move forward, one baby step at a time, and if you can and want to join them in their grief, engage with them and come alongside them. Hopefully all will be enriched in the process.