When you spend time with God in prayer and the answer you get is “Be Still & Wait”. The answer can feel either freeing or burdensome, depending on the subject matter you were discussing, and of course, your own response. I’d love to tell you, that my usual response is positive and accepting. But usually it’s not. I usually expect the worst and work my way to a better perspective with God’s coaxing. It’s not the formula I’d ever tell you to follow. I’m working on it, but still it is my default positioning.
I’ve been having difficulty keeping my quiet time with the Lord consistent, because so many of our discussions together have been, well, if I’m totally honest. They’ve been a bit scary. A year ago, my devotional prayer time with God, led me to believe, one of my children might die. I had no idea which one, I have three children, and I didn’t want to know. I was angry about the very thought. I stopped talking to God that week for a few days. Within a week of that time, my daughter died in a car accident. I don’t know why, God seemed to give me a heads up about it. I know it helped me accept it. But, it scared me off from my intimacy with Him to want to discuss many topics, out of fear there might be more coming I’m not ready to know more.
Some questions I simply don’t want to ask God about. Like…”Am I sick or well?” I’m a cancer survivor, so getting sick again, is often looming in the background of my mind. It shows my lack of faith or at least an unwillingness to leave my health in the hands of a God who loves me. If I’m well I can continue to serve the Lord and love others. Every new day, provides many opportunities to do so. If I’m sick, I can go be with Jesus, and serve God even better, in a much better place than this present world we live in. It’s gain and not loss. But… try to convince me of that while I agonize over all the things I still think I have left to do in my life right now. Other questions I really don’t want a real answer to them. Like, “What’s next?” I’m not sure I want to know that. And a few more, I’m just plain “chicken” afraid of what the answer will be.
I’m definitely at times, the “reluctant prayer” dragged by God to the prayer closet, whining the whole way. “Do we have to talk about it? I really don’t want to. Can’t it wait? I have a lot to do today.” etc. etc. the excuses just keep flowing toward God. But, I’m grateful he is persistent and doesn’t let me stray away too far. Eventually, he acts to get my attention, and probably chuckles when I’m crumpled on the floor at his feet, asking over and over, “well, tell me what you wanted to talk about. Tell me now. I’m ready to hear it. I’m listening. Are you gonna tell me?”
For me, this dance, per say, is of my own making. I come close to God, I wander away, I come close again. I imagine what He will say, but hardly assume it’s ever gonna be good news. That’s kinda sad, you’d think I’d have a better attitude, He’s also abundantly blessed me in so many ways. Yet, as I said, I avoid, I run away, I only want to discuss things with God when I think I’m gonna like what He has to say. I’d rather skip the discussion if it’s going to be bad. Who doesn’t feel the same?
But isn’t it nice to know we have a loving father who knows best, and knows us so well, he knows how to get our attention. He’s willing to pursue us, to draw us back to himself, to help us even when we think we don’t need or want his help. To cut straight through every distraction. I’d love to ask myself, ‘what am I so afraid of?’ But, honestly I know already. I think in my own mind, I’ve been through “enough”. I don’t want or need anymore. I often think, I just want to be left alone. I want a break from bad news, from tragedies, from disappointments. There have been so many. Then I hear or read about someone else, and what they are going through, and I think, “oh that is way worse”, how are they gonna be okay? And I pray for them, appealing to the God I really do love, to love them and help them, and heal and protect them. I want Him to run to their aide no matter what.
My husband and I are both receiving mini trials of “Be Still & Wait”. It makes me laugh to see it play out. My husband injured his achilles heel with too much exercise. He brought it on himself. He struggles greatly when he has to just sit around and wait for healing. Being instructed to do so, by doctors, aggravates him tremendously. He needs to be still right now and wait for healing, yet all he can think about is the long weekend ahead and all the yard work and home improvement projects he had planned to accomplish. We have four dogs who are, at present, climbing all over him, overjoyed that he is home recuperating. While he loves them, I’m sure he’s also thinking, “how did I think having all these dogs was a good idea? I can’t get a moment of peace with them around.” Be Still …& Wait… how challenging it is when you are waiting for healing.
Similarly, I am struggling to wait for test results, I haven’t been feeling well for awhile, trying over several weeks not to connect dots to a picture that may not even be true. I’m on a merry-go-round of my own making, I know very well. “Am I sick or am I well?” That is the question. But is it? Should it be? It would be better if I would just wait for the answer, and actually believe doctors when they tell me, “it’s less than a 10% chance that it’s something bad. Let’s wait and see shall we and try not to worry!” I know that’s what I should do. I know that’s what would be better, but here I am, wanting to know the outcome now, today, even though nothing will move any faster than it already can & God is in complete control.
Why is it so hard for me to enter into appealing to my God who has, “everything possible” at His disposal, yet I cower rather than ask Him to act on my behalf, even though He has done so many times already. I think, I’m sure mistakenly, that my number of “asks” & “requests for help”, are too many already. I’m grateful my God doesn’t agree with me. He’s already done so much… Saved our struggling marriage, granted salvation to my unsaved son, kept my grandson from joining our daughter in death in the car accident, cured my rare cancer six years ago, brought so many loved ones and friends to a stronger faith… I could go on and on with God’s interventions and blessings in my life already. He’s such a generous God. I keep thinking he will tire of my asking, but maybe that is actually the point. That I keep asking and depending on Him to help. Wouldn’t I do the same if my children kept asking for help from me? Of course I would. Until my dying breath. Thankfully, God is Eternal! So maybe I can keep asking. I know He will keep answering.
But, today I want to work on learning to “Be Still & Wait” and do that better than I have before. I want to wait patiently and expectantly, but positively. Assured that my God will bring about what is best for me, and I can trust He will!
How are you at “Being Still and Waiting”? I’d love to know, tell me about it. Susan